I’ve never written a blog before, never written much of anything before that I’ve shared with the world.
But “immerse”, now that’s a word I don’t have to think about twice. I merely look at it and I feel, but my feelings are old and my memories are cold.
I sit there on my bed, preparing to study. I know I will do well on my test tomorrow. My teacher has sensed my interest in her subject from day one and has been teaching directly to my eyes, like I’m the only one she sees. I’m set up for success. I’m in a good place.
Then I hear the demon’s cry. The devil’s footsteps. He’s at it again. Pacing back and forth above me. Back and forth and back and forth. I know the rythm like that of my own hot breath. I clamp my finger on my ears and begin to read my notes. But my ears are well trained. Even the wistle of a train or the babble of a radio can’t keep his muttering from reaching me. Talking to himself about the problems of humanity. Talking to himself and I’m dying inside.
All I want right now is to be fully immersed. Fully surrounded by water. All I desire is to be in a lake, in the ocean, in a swimming pool. But I don’t move. I am frozen. So frozen that the heat of my pain begins to fulfill my desire. A wetness melts from my eyes shut so tight. I can’t deal, I can’t bear this alone, being exposed to naked air makes me feel like I’m going to erupt. I need that water, I need that immersion. So I allow my eyes to rain down, I don’t run from the storm.
But like I told you at the start, the feelings are old. Now I know what a hug is. Now I know what touch is. I’ve learned the magic of human connection. When I hear the voice, when I feel this pain, when I long to be buried in water, you wrap your arms around me and I am fully immersed in your love.